Dealing with Anxiety Before, During and After Pregnancy

I never had anxiety before having kids and even after my kids were born it was mostly normal every day worry not full blown anxiety. Then, when my son was one year old, my best friend’s son was stillborn and full on anxiety kicked in. I was there with her when we found out he was gone and I was one of her go-to people of support in the dark days after her loss. I wanted to be there for her and was glad that she was opening up to me, but it didn’t come without it’s own affects on my mental and physical well-being. I began to have anxiety attacks that manifested in the form of what fell life labor contractions and would last for hours and sometimes days.

I went to therapy for the first time in my life and opened up about not just about the loss of my friend’s son and the affect on me but also issues that came up from my past. I highly recommend therapy to help with anxiety or at the very least talking to someone in your life rather than holding it in. Although, I never felt I needed pharmaceutical drugs, I know there are many people who do benefit from them. In this post I wanted to share some of the things that helped me through this dark time and continue to help me today as I deal with daily bouts of anxiety and occasional anxiety attacks.

using labor ball

Meditation

Initially I had a really hard time falling asleep as I tried to process what I had just been through and kept putting myself in my friend’s shoes knowing she was suffering and that for whatever I went through it was so much worse for her. I found that falling asleep to a guided meditation was very helpful to me and I ended up recommending it to my friend and she benefitting from it as well. I especially love Expectful if you are in the pregnancy or motherhood stage of life. I also discovered this special headband that makes falling asleep with headphones a bit more comfortable.

Essential Oils

Using essential oils for emotional support isn’t something I ever thought I’d be saying worked for me but sure enough during my most recent pregnancy I got started with oils and have never looked back. I particularly love Stress Away, Valor, and Peace & Calming (all blends from Young Living). I simply diffuse them or roll them on my wrists and take deep breaths and it’s basically magic how it calms the tightness in my stomach. We’ve also had great success using them for our daughter’s nervous tummy before school. I share more about our journey with essential oils (and how you can join me!) on Instagram and in this post.

Mother’s Wort

This supplement continues to help me immensely with managing anxiety. If I start to feel a little anxious for no apparent reason, I squirt some in my mouth and I notice a real difference very quickly. Warning, it tastes gross but if you chase it with some water, the taste goes away quickly. This tincture, also has motherwort in it and was created by a midwife I know well to increase fertility so if you’re trying to conceive and anxious, I recommend it highly as well!

Exercise

The mental benefits of even a 30 minute walk are pretty amazing and if you want a more intense workout my favorite free resources are the 7 minute workout app or yoga videos on youtube. If you’re expecting, I’m a huge fan of Knocked Up Fitness which offers specific breathing techniques, yoga and workout routines for pregnant moms.

Sleep

Getting enough sleep when you’re dealing with anxiety is really important but it’s also often hard to turn your brain off in the evening. My friend loved a relaxation technique that can be found in the Yoga for Grief Relief that has lots of great resources she loved. Basically before going to sleep, while lying down you start at your feet and concentrate on each part of your body being totally relaxed. Repeat in your head, “my feet are completely relaxed,” and once they start to tingle you move up to your calves, thighs, pelvis, stomach, etc. until you’ve done your entire body. She said this exercise helped her not to lie down in bed and toss and turn thinking about everything.

For anxiety at bedtime, my friend also swears by this Eucalyptus spray that her mother-in-law who’s a L&D nurse recommended. It’s pricey but lasts for quite awhile with just one spray on the pillow each night. I make my own Linen Spray with essential oils for much cheaper!

sleep meditation

Specific Support Groups

My friend shared with me that social media groups help you feel less alone and crazy and the more specific the group is to your own experience, the better. For instance, there’s a FB group for pregnancy after loss specifically for moms of 3rd trimester losses. I imagine that regardless of what is causing anxiety for you, there’s a Facebook group or even local in-person support group that could help.

On Shared Bedrooms, Bedtime Routines & Sleep

My whole life I’ve needed A LOT of sleep… when I was a baby, the doctor told my mom to wake me up more often to eat because I loved sleep so much. As a teenager, my mom jokingly called me Sleeping Beauty because I would sleep in so late on the weekends (we’re talking like 3pm late). And I was so cranky in the mornings on school days that we didn’t even speak to each other—the teenager equivalent of “don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee“. I’ve always needed a lot of sleep and I’ve always been cognizant of prioritizing sleep. Even in college, I could only “go out” one night of the weekend or I’d feel miserable for days. Not worth it!

How Sleep Changed After a Baby

When we were expecting our first baby, I was naturally worried about how I’d handle the sleepless nights and while it was certainly exhausting in the early weeks, the universe must have known what I needed and gave me a baby that loved to sleep too! After the newborn days of constant feeding/sleeping on a rotation and once she started sleeping through the night, baby would go to bed at 6pm, wake up to nurse around 7am and then go back to sleep with me until sometimes close to 10am!

Not only was she amazing at sleeping through the night, she would take two good naps a day. One in the morning that was usually around an hour and then one big one in the afternoon that was at least 2 hours and sometimes closer to three. All of my friends were amazed by how much she was sleeping and I definitely wasn’t complaining!

What Sleep Looks Like After Baby Number Two

When her brother was born, our daughter was only 19 months old and very much a baby herself so she continued with naps and we started to learn baby’s sleep habits. He never clocked quite as many hours of sleep as she had but he was SO easy to put down to sleep. You would just lay him in his bed, say “I love you” and “sleep well” and you wouldn’t hear a peep from him as he easily put himself to sleep. He has always woken up much earlier than she does but he doesn’t wake up screaming and usually will play in bed for a good while before deciding it’s time to wake up mom and dad.

What Sleep Looks Like When Sharing a Room

If you’re still reading at this point and don’t completely hate me yet, you might feel relieved to hear that this amazing sleep didn’t last forever. And things got even more complicated when we decided to have them share a room. Bedtime is complete mania—they literally bounce off the walls and never seem to get tired!! We started with floor beds and recently upgraded to new, firmer mattresses and platform beds hoping that it would seem more like a real bed and less like a trampoline on the floor.

They tend to do well on the weekends when they are exhausted and haven’t had a nap but on school nights (when they need the sleep the most!) they have a hard time falling asleep and we keep telling ourselves that they have to exhaust themselves enough eventually and we are still waiting for eventually to come. The major saving grace is that once they ARE asleep, they STAY asleep! So while it sounds like a herd of elephants in their room most evenings, it’s completely quiet all night long while they are snug in their beds.

What’s your room/bed situation like? Any tips for shared room sleep?

This post is shared in partnership with Brentwood Home, who also
provided the mattresses. Thank you so much for reading!

Travel Tips for Breastfeeding Moms

Travel Tips for Breastfeeding Moms Traveling without Baby

I absolutely love that the look of motherhood today is so varied and quite the mosaic. Women today have decided that they not only want a family but they also want a career, a higher level degree, time away with friends, their own business, solo trips abroad, and so much more. And I say, “Right on!”

One of the most exhilarating yet also daunting things for a new mama to do is travel without her baby while trying to also maintain a healthy milk supply. For many of us traveling for work is the first time we must leave our little one for an extended period of time. Whether you’ll be traveling abroad for work or to the next town over for a weekend getaway with girlfriends, there are a few things that you can do to prepare for your trip and feel confident to  stick to your breastfeeding goals.

Before you leave

#1 Leave feeding schedule for your partner or caregiver

Detail even the tiniest of concerns you may have, as well as tips and tricks to help them sooth your baby. If you know that your little one needs to be propped up for 30 minutes after feeding, then let them know. If you want your baby to be fed in 2 oz. increments to avoid any waste of your precious milk, write it down. Be clear about your expectations so that you don’t feel a constant sense of angst while away.

Providing these details will allow you to enjoy your time away more and give you a sense of ease with the fact that the necessities have been covered. You’ve also allowed yourself time to review and think over the things you’d like done in your absence.

#2 Begin to document your baby’s normal feeding schedule

Write down the times they normally feed, whether or not they feed on one or both breasts, and if they are currently taking a bottle, how much they’re drinking at each feeding. Your baby’s caregiver can then use this as a guide for when to feed your little one and you can use it as an outline for yourself as to when to pump while away.

#3 Get the Gear

Cut down on carry-on luggage by investing in a breastpump bag that will hold your personal items (including your latptop!) as well as your pump and chilled milk.

If you’re traveling out of the country get a power adaptor! These can easily be purchased online. It’s also a great idea to have a few batteries packed with you as well. This will allow you to pump in the airport during a layover if the voltage is different than back home and not the one you’ll need for the country you’ll be visiting. It’s also a great backup in case you’re in a location with unpredictable electricity. Bringing along a car adaptor for your breastpump is a great idea as well!

# 4 Record a video of your baby nursing & bring a piece of your baby’s clothing 

You can play the video during your pumping sessions and smell your baby’s clothing while trying to get your milk to let-down. These physical mementos can really spark an emotional and physiological response that may help you when trying to relax and “perform” without your baby being present.

During Your Trip

photo via @thehappypumper

#5 Stay hydrated

As you probably already know, flying can really dry you out. Carrying a foldable water bottle or grabbing a cup of water at the airport coffee shop once you’re through security is a great way to remind yourself to stay hydrated. Also, once you’re on location and having a good time, a simple rule you can follow is for every glass of wine or alcohol you drink, you have a glass of water to go with it. Remember it’s best to wait between 1-2 hours per drink before pumping breastmilk for your baby.

READ MORE ABOUT KEEPING UP MILK SUPPLY HERE

#6 Shipping Milk Home

For moms traveling across the U.S. If you’re trying to figure out how to bring your milk back home, there’s this amazing company that will allow you to simply pack and ship home up to 72oz. per box of your milk straight to your front door!  Awesome right?! This is also a great option for a mama who’s going on a last minute trip and hasn’t had a chance to store up enough milk for the time she’ll be away. Simply pump, pack it up, and send it home to your babe! Be sure to check out the CDC’s guidelines for proper storage and handling of breast milk.

#7 Stick to baby’s feeding schedule

Follow your previously created feeding log to determine how often you should pump. Even if your baby only fed on one side during your feedings at home, it can be very helpful to your milk supply to pump on both sides while away. Be sure to use a double electric or hospital grade pump, which provides the proper suction strength and stimulation needed for milk expression while not also feeding at the breast.

GET A FREE BREASTPUMP THROUGH YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE

#8 Try and plan for moments of calm and still in your day

This may not be possible for all of your feedings, but allowing yourself to take time and just relax or meditate can help you mentally and physically while away from your baby. Many mamas have difficulty letting down and filling bottles when in the midst of stress and work. A way to combat this is by meditating or doing simple relaxation exercises that help you reconnect and feel grounded while away.

When you are back home

homebirth pictures

#9  Take a nursing vacation

Try and plan for a day or two of home time with your baby after your trip away. Use this as a nursing vacation where you do unlimited skin-to-skin and feeding on demand. Take long herb baths with your baby resting on you and carry your baby in a carrier, so that your hands can still be free. This will help to give your milk supply a little boost in case you’ve noticed a dip while away.

#10 Let go and practice self care

Fully embrace the time you spent away and carry no guilt for the choice you made. It’s not selfish to invest in yourself, your business, and your friendships. Every mother deserves time away and support to mother in her own unique way.

The tips I shared here are from lessons I learned personally while traveling away from my own little one while maintaining my breastfeeding goals, as well as my role as a Lactation Educator Counselor supporting other mamas who live global boundless lives. I hope they support you in your breastfeeding journey and encourage you to mother in the way that’s most natural to you.

 

This guest post was written by Anjelica Malone. Angelica is a Lactation Educator Counselor and Breastfeeding Coach. She’s passionate about helping women incorporate breastfeeding into their lives, instead of allowing it to take over their lives. Anjelica is the mother of two little island-born girls and now resides in Seattle, Washington. Anjelica grew up traveling the world with her family and now loves sharing the experience of travel with her husband and kiddos. You can follow her adventures via the hashtag #AGlobalTribeOfWomen and learn about how to live a more conscious and globally-minded life at AnjelicaMalone.com.

The Importance of Following Your Intuition in Pregnancy and Birth

Your Intuition, Your Gut, Mama Instincts — Whatever You Call It, Listen to It

Pregnancy, labor, and birth are monumental, life changing events. Doing research, educating yourself, being fully prepared, taking proper precautions, and trusting your OB and/or midwife are all important. However, keep in mind that women have been going through this since the beginning of time. Our bodies are engineered to create, sustain, and bring life into this world.  Birth does not always go as planned, or as “textbook” as we’d like. There are times when preparation, education, and practitioner’s advice take a back seat and a powerful voice comes into play. Your intuition. A mother’s intuition is an important voice to pay attention to, and the more prepared and educated you are up front, the more you will be able to trust that your gut feelings are coming from a vital place, rather than from fear and panic. Below are some powerful accounts from women who paid attention to what their body was telling them, and the positive outcomes that followed.

Mamas Who Are Glad They Followed Their Intuition

“With my second baby’s birth, I had been 3 cm dilated for over two weeks and having contractions on and off, too. The night before my son was born (1.5 weeks after my due date and the day before my induction), I told my husband, that we needed to call my dad if I had three strong contractions and/or my water broke, because I just felt it would be a quick labor. At 2:30am I had those strong contractions, 3:00am my water broke and at 4:27am my baby was born!  If I hadn’t had that feeling of things going quickly after a slow buildup, Sullivan may have been born in the car or even at home!”   – Jesica Boro

“…My son was turned. I was feeling nauseous from not eating for so long. The midwife was trying to turn him and couldn’t so they wanted to get a doctor to help. I could feel it was coming time for me to have an emergency c-section. Before the doctor came into the room, I got on my hands and knees which [made me] throw up and that caused my son to turn so I delivered him naturally like I wanted. – @Celeste2401

“A week after i had my daughter in June, I was terribly ill. At a time when I was supposed to be mending and enjoying my new baby, I was so sick that all I could do was cry. My friends and family told me it was just after birth cramping and that I was still healing, but I finally decided to call in to the midwife and let her know what was going on. She advised me to go to the ER right away, and hours later I was having an emergency d&c for a retained placenta that was hemorrhaging. I am so glad I listened to my body. If I had waited any longer it could have been a much different outcome.”  — Jamie Van Nuys

“I was laboring in the labor tub. I had only been in for 15 minutes and was just checked 30 minutes prior and only 5 cm. My intuition told me to get out and go lay in the bed (they don’t let you deliver in the tubs). I was standing up and felt the urge to push. Two pushes later and about two minutes later my son was born.” — Brittani Fink  

first latch

“When I was in labor about a month ago, we were waiting for my mother-in-law to come watch our two older children. When she was about 40 minutes away, I got the feeling that we had to leave for the hospital NOW.  My husband was a bit skeptical because I had only been in labor for about two hours. But, he went and woke up the neighbors in the middle of the night and we left. Our baby was born about one hour later. If we had waited, I would have had him in the car!” — Nicole Kavanaugh  

“After three cesareans and no natural births I was told by my doctors that my body “wouldn’t know how to labor” so I decided to get a private midwife, not step foot in a hospital again for the rest of my pregnancy, and set my mind on a homebirth. Everyone gave me their unwanted opinions about it all and only my husband stood by me. After about 100 hours of labor, I gave birth at 42 weeks + 1 day to my biggest baby ever (all 9 lbs 10 oz. of him) in a pool in my living room! THE best feeling ever! I’m now 39 weeks with baby number 5, I have the same midwife as last time, and I cannot wait to give birth to this baby. I never believed for a second my body was broken, and I proved all the doctors and midwives at the hospital wrong. I did it.” — Rose McMurrie, Liverpool UK 

“After the birth of my son last Thursday I was over the moon…but something kept telling me something was wrong and after the experience I went through I will never doubt my intuition! Three days after birth I knew something was wrong when I had been experiencing severe edema, painful headaches that wouldn’t go away, and sky high blood pressure. I decided to go to the emergency room and the doctors then told me I had developed postpartum preeclampsia.  I was immediately admitted, I was at high risk for seizures, a stroke and even the possibility of going into a coma. After four very long, emotional, rough days I am finally responding to medication that is maintaining and stabilizing my blood pressure. I am back home with my baby and my fiance and most importantly I am alive and well…If I didn’t rush to the emergency room when I did, the signs I was showing could have been fatal for me. I appreciate my life so much more.” — @Ox.vs  

“My first birth, I was in labor barely an hour when I told my husband to call the midwife. I had to push before she even got there. She didn’t even check me, but when I said I had to push she called the backup and got set up and my daughter was born 20 minutes later. So glad I didn’t fall into the thought that first births take a long time, or else I would have been birthing unassisted. Very glad to have planned a homebirth from the get go!  Though my midwife training would have come in handy!” — Meganne Odile Coyle  

breastfeeding tips

“My baby’s bilirubin levels were high. Day three of life, the pediatrician made the assumption I wasn’t producing enough milk. “The baby will eat it if it’s there,” he said, and told us we needed to supplement with formula. I asked for a pump and made them weigh him before and after a feeding as well as pumped after. I was producing more than enough and wouldn’t you know it, his chart was being read wrong and he had been back to normal levels on day 2. Still breastfeeding like a champ nine months later.” — Marji Taylor  

“At 38 weeks 5 days pregnant with my first son, I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself bleeding. I called my midwife who immediately recommended that I go into L&D and she would meet us there. Upon arrival at L&D the attending doctor recommended an induction and suspected that I was likely experiencing placenta abruption (i also had a low lying placenta). My partner and I decided to wait on the induction and the hospital admitted me for observation and told us to let them know when we were ready to be induced. But somehow, I felt that my son wasn’t ready to come. The bleeding eventually subsided, and after 17 hours of being observed, after one doctor after another came in telling us we needed to be induced, and braving through judgemental looks and fending off their repeated push to have an induction; against doctor’s orders, we decided to check ourselves out and go home. A day later, I went into active labor. After 9 hours, in the safety and comfort of our small apartment, with my partner and midwife by my side, my son was born at home. It was the home birth that we had wanted. I listened to my body and my son. My partner stood by my side and although it was very scary to leave the hospital, it was the best decision we made that day.” – @Bbmee  

“The nurses wanted to check my dilation when I arrived at the hospital.  I told them not to bother—I wasn’t fully dilated yet but was in transition and it would be soon. I told them my second stage is always under 5 minutes. They didn’t believe me. When I felt a shift I told the doctor I was ready to push and baby was coming. She checked and said, “No, you’re only at an 8.” She stood up and walked to the sink, and I called to my husband (who always catches our babies and who was ready), “She’s coming, catch her! “I heard his calm voice reply “I’m here, I’ve got her.” And she was born into her father’s hands at that moment, with no assistance from others. Which was exactly as I had wished.”  — Elisabeth  

“After 26 hours of non-medicated labor with a baby who had his head turned sideways and was in no hurry to come out, I decided to transfer from the birth center to the hospital to get an epidural. I knew that even if I did dilate all the way, I wouldn’t have enough energy to push my baby out on my own. After the epidural, I was able to get a few hours of sleep and when I woke up I was fully dilated and ready to push! I truly believe I was able to have a vaginal birth because of the sleep I got after the epidural! I am happy that I listened to my body and I have no regrets! My birth was hard, but that is what it was. My birth.” — Kristi Merideth

“I was on hour 6 or 7 of my twelve hour homebirth when I began to hyperventilate. I was in the birth tub facing away from everyone, so I don’t think they knew I was starting to lose it. I hadn’t dilated much at that point; how little, I don’t know. But I sensed the air of concern. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. That was my greatest fear. I began going down the “what if” spiral of doom and lost control of my breathing. Just then my intuition kicked in and told me to look up and open my eyes. A birth affirmation my friend made me came into view. It said: Think strong. Feel strong. Be strong. I began saying that over and over in my mind, pushing away the fear. My breath calmed, my outlook improved. I could do this. I would do this. At the next check, I was fully dilated!” — Katie Bunten

“When you reach the end of what you should know, you will be at the beginning of what you should sense.” Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam

How to Be A More Mindful Mama

I took a class in college called “Mind Body Health.” It was fascinating. It was all about the immense power of the mind and how it actually influences our physical chemical processes. Our attitude and thoughts can determine how disease prone we are, our life expectancy, our moods, our relationships, and even career success.

The Power of Meditation

The professor told a story of his friend who had a pretty aggressive cancer. The doctor wanted to do some drastic surgeries, but she was really against it. Her white blood cell count was really low, and she believed that she could increase her count by doing meditation. Her doctor gave her a few weeks and said if it wasn’t at a certain point, he would have no other choice but the surgery. She said she’d work on it. And then she really worked hard. She meditated for a few hours every day and envisioned in as much detail as possible white blood cells being produced and flowing through her body. She went back at the designated time, and her numbers had increased dramatically. It still wasn’t at a level the doctor was comfortable with, but he was pretty impressed at the progress. She asked for an extension, and he agreed. Again she worked really hard at meditating and producing more cells. Again, when she returned, her count had drastically improved. This happened one more time and she was able to avoid the surgery.

The mind truly is a powerful tool, and I believe an untapped resource to our emotional and physical well being. There’s been countless studies on the benefits of mindfulness meditation. It improves overall physical health, reduces stress, improves relationships, and on and on.  Expecting mothers who meditate have less stress, less discomfort in pregnancy, and even shorter labors!

Mindfulness as Daily Self Care

As a mother, I have found mindfulness practices to be invaluable. I was first introduced to the power of meditation when I decided to study hypnobabies with my 3rd pregnancy.  I practiced every day for about 45 minutes. Positive affirmations like “I am strong, and I listen to my powerful body” started to become the common thoughts floating around my head. I started to really believe that I could have the birth I was envisioning, even down to how far dilated I would be when I arrived at the hospital. When I delivered my baby almost exactly as I had pictured it all those weeks, I knew there was something to this meditation thing.

Meditation In Hard Times

I was re-introduced to meditation and mindfulness through therapy as I was experiencing some major hiccups in my family relationships. Again, this simple practice produced amazing results.  I found myself more confident, filled with peace, filled with love and energy, even amidst emotional pain I was living with. My therapist told me that repetitive behaviors create routes in your brain and your brain will want to take the easiest route to get a signal where it needs to go.  So if I normally cope with stress by Netflix and ice cream binging (anyone?!), then in the future when I feel stressed, I will have strong cravings to open that freezer. If we can replace a negative reaction (yelling at the kids) with a positive one (doing a meditation) that route will start to become easier for our brain and we will crave THOSE behaviors more. Interesting, right?

sleep when baby sleeps

I have continued this practice and try to meditate several times a week. Just today after a rough morning with the kids (barking orders, drill-sergeant style, and constant threats until they were out the door—please tell me you have mornings like this!), I could feel the stress and tension inside my body. My heart was pounding, my shoulders were tight and high, my eyebrows were scowled, and my breathing was shallow. Instead of succumbing to this being a horrible day, I decided to do a quick stress reduction meditation. I got my preschooler set up with some toys and laid down with my phone and earbuds and did a 10 minute session. It completely worked. Deep breathing, focusing on the sensation of my breath, feeling every part of my body, being present in the moment, imagining all the negative energy flowing out of me…it all worked. The mood was just gone. I was able to get up and play with my daughter and start getting stuff done.  

Mamas everywhere can greatly benefit from this powerful practice!

Here’s a few resources to help get you started:

  1. Expectful—An app for pregnant mamas, and non-pregnant mamas as a way to connect with yourself and your babies. Free trial available.
  2. Headspace—mindfulness that moves you through training stages. They also have categories for a variety of situations: pregnancy, stress, sleep, work, etc. As little as 10 minutes a day. Plus the leader has a lovely British accent so it’s fun to listen to.
  3. Hypnobabies—I highly recommend this if you’re thinking about a natural unmedicated birth. Many women have very positive empowering experiences birthing their babies. At the very least, it’s a wonderful meditative practice that completely soothes body and mind and connects you to baby.

There you have it. The answer to a more peaceful you! Can I still pound a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while I watch 4 hours of Gilmore Girls?  YES! And sometimes I really enjoy it. But I’ve added in some other things too and the balance is coming!  Hang in there mamas. Happy meditating!

This post is written by Austyn Smith.

The Value in Finding and Forming Your Mama Support System

Life with young children is a paradox.

Viewed from the outside, nothing is getting done. But the reality is that so much is happening, between mother and child as well as within the family. The exhaustion mothers feel isn’t just the result of sleep deprivation or stress—we are working in the most primal and beautiful sense of the word.

Settling Into Your Role as a Mom

how to make mom friends

And yet in the moment, even as you are giving everything of yourself to the baby who is your everything it can feel like you’re stagnating. The 200th diaper change feels no different than the first. Breastfeeding sessions blur into each other. And that cliched question is always there: “What does she do all day?”

The real, honest answer is that the day-to-day grind is this rollercoaster of beautiful highs and confusing lows. Becoming a mother is a capital-B big deal. Your body changes. Your mind changes. Your outlook changes. Your relationships change. Have a baby, and suddenly everything you’ve ever known may be called into question. You’re so in love with this tiny human who can’t give you anything but has given you everything.

The truth of it is that motherhood is something you can’t really know until you’re there living it. It’s a joy and a privilege and awe inspiring, but it can also be filled with guilt and boredom and self-doubt and even fear. Because of the contradictions people around you can sympathize but not empathize, wishing you the best but not understanding a whit of what you’re going through.

Find Comfort in a Support System of Other Moms

Having a support system made up of other mothers is key. Popular culture has created this fairy tale where having mom friends is about raucous wine nights and cutting loose but that depiction ignores something fundamental about friendships between moms. Motherhood is hard, and the only ones who know just how hard are mothers themselves.

Every family’s story is unique but the bond we all have with our babies makes it easy to find common ground in a community of mothers. It turns out the Mommy Wars were fought and won years ago, and the fight didn’t pit mom against mom but rather mothers as a whole against the isolation that has too often been a part of the motherhood experience. Mom friends, as a concept, made headlines not because it was trendy but because it was needed.

After all, there’s something both powerful and empowering about knowing that someone a block or a text or an email away has sat next to an isolette in a NICU or rocked a colicky baby at 3am or agonized about whether and how to vaccinate. Knowing that they, too, have wondered over and over again, “Am I a good enough mother?” and will continue to ask that question for a lifetime.

It Really Does Take a Village

None of us has all the answers and we may disagree on some of the most basic fundamentals of parenting but that doesn’t mean we don’t need one another. We need one another badly, especially in those lonely early days of caring for a newborn when every single day feels endless and then again when our children begin to pull away from us to begin the process of evolving into who they’re someday going to be.

When you surround yourself with a network of mothers who accept you for the mom you are, motherhood may not get easier—but it will get better. A network of supportive mom friends will laugh with you and more importantly cry with you even when the rest of the world feels like they just don’t get it. Mom friends believe you when you say, “This is bad,” and then cheer you on while you work toward the good. They will be the people who will be there for you at your worst and never stop seeing the best of you.

paternity leave

Someone Who’s Been There

Mom friends do all of that not just because they love you but because they have been there, too. That’s the true value of mom friends whether you’re living a life of diapers and nipple cream or trying to power through what feels like a rerun of the toddler years with your teens. As much as your partner cares about you, they’re never going to grasp the heights of joy or depths of pain that our children can inspire in us as moms simply by being.

When to Make Mom Friends

As to when the best time to build that network is, the logical answer is before you need it but the honest answer is whenever you need it. Some mothers are lucky enough to find and connect with a circle of supportive moms while pregnant but that’s not at all typical. Unfortunately most of us don’t realize how important mom friends are until we’re in the thick of motherhood, surprised at how tough it really is.

And it is tough. But never forget that we’re all in this together.

This guest post was written by Christa Terry. Christa is one of the founders of HelloMamas.com, an app for iOS and Android that helps local moms meet, communications director of Graham’s Foundation, and mom to two small but incredibly loud humans. Courtesy of Hello Mamas cofounder Meg Gerritson.
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